Infertility - a journey that may never be over

If there is one word I hate it would have to be 'infertility'.  A term that in it's simplest form describes one's inability to conceive but at it's worst is an ugly monster that shows up when you least expect or want it to.

I am happy for friends who get to experience the joy of being pregnant and becoming parents.  I can imagine that it is an experience that is hard to beat.  And it is one that at times I have longed for so much.

What is it about a fancy nappy bag that breaks my heart?
Why does the announcement of a baby shower make me jealous for something I never had?
Why does buying gifts for the baby shower bring me to tears?

I thought I was through this grieving process but now I wonder if I ever will be.  I have had years to come to terms with it.  10 years ago, at the age of 19, I was told that I would struggle to get pregnant, and if I did I may not be able to stay pregnant.  Can't remember exactly why.  Something I mostly dismissed and carried on with my life. Then I got married and hoped that the doctors were wrong. But they weren't.  5 months after marrying the love of my life, I miscarried our fist baby.  Over the next few years this was an experience I went through 3 more times.  Pregnancy was not something that lasted 9 months, it was only ever 9-13 weeks.  Long enough to experience horrid morning sickness but not long enough to allow me to hold a baby in my arms.

Despite all that, hope still remained.  One day I would have that miracle story.  I would have the baby that was never meant to be.

2nd October 2009 is a day I'll never forget.  The day the most unbearable physical pain and bleeding started.  A scan revealed fibroids, an operation in March 2010 failed so a hysterectomy was scheduled for 9th July.  28 years old and hope was gone.  Physically I am well and will never regret having the surgery that healed my body.  But emotionally, who knows?  When will the pain be gone forever?

In spite of the tears, I will remember that I am blessed.  Joy comes every morning in the form of my princess Billy.  She may never understand the healing her love has brought to my life.  God has truly blessed me with a daughter that I love so unconditionally.  My 21 month old toddler who is now a 5 year old heading into her 2nd term of school. She is learning so much and it excites me to watch her grow.

One day during the week Billy was brushing my hair.  She pulled the bits out from behind my ears and brushed them so they went down the side of my face.  She then stood in front of me, smiled and said "Beautiful, your just beautiful Mummy".  I am blessed!

I woke up this morning with a churning stomach.  My friend is having a baby shower today.  Billy and I bought a couple of gifts.  Talking about it on Thursday night brought me to tears.  Telling her I didn't know if I was up to going made me feel awkward.  I was excited and thought I was going to be ok after years of avoiding baby showers.  But the monster came back and brought the pain and tears with him.  I would like to think I could have the courage to go but what if it gets too much and I cry or want to run away?

I'd love to end this on a positive note but I don't know what I will do.  I've got house work to do and a movie date with Billy and her best friend before I have to make a decision.

If you are reading this and have children, hug them tight, thank God for His precious gift, and say a prayer asking God to comfort those who are walking the path of infertility because sometimes empty arms can become a heavy burden.